Classic Rock Bottom

Classified ad: Potty trained and classically untrained Bassist has an urgent desire to start a new band, mostly to attract groupies, but also to get a HUGE advance checks from multiple record companies. Seasoned Guitarist, Keyboardist, Drummist, and a Vocalist are needed to complete the formation. Please apply in person on April 31st at any of these 3 audition times: Morning, Afternoon and/or Evening. Bring your Résumés (preferably a 7" single releases, which must contain Instrumentals if you play an Instrument... Duh!) along, with 3 VIP References.
LET'S MAKE ROCK 'N' ROLL A HISTORY!

click on these set of covers to hear what the cat dragged in

MORNING SESSIONS

Prospect #1
Me: Name?

Michael Henry: NICKO McBRAIN

Me: Occupation?

MH: Drummer.

Me: Experience?

MH: Streetwalkers, Pat Travers, Trust and... IRON MAIDEN!

Me: You say that like it suppose to mean something.

MH: I dunno. Was there a question?

Me: Yes. Are you a wisecrack?

MH: No, I'm a Drummer.

Me: OK then. Let's have it?

MH: Sure. "Rhythm Of The Beast" from my 7" solo single.


Prospect #2
Me: Name?

Lazar Ristovski: LAZA RISTOVSKI

Me: Occupation?

LZ: Keyboardist.

Me: Aren't you dead?

LZ: Since 2007... But my legacy lives on.

Me: It sure does. I know you played with just about every YU-Pop/Rock artist. Probably had more gigs, than Don Airey, himself. If you want, the position is yours.

LR: Just like that? Aren't you going to ask me questions?

Me: Sure. Something easy. In what decade was World War II?

LR: In 1950s.

Me: No problem. You have a great sense of humor. Now let's hear the real answer. Hint... Think earlier.

LR: 1940s.

Me: Correct. Welcome to the band!

LR: You want to hear "Looking For Forgiveness" from my first and only 7" solo single? I played all the instruments myself. Well, it's mostly synths and keys... But still.

Me: Absolutely. Fire away!


Prospect #3
Me: Name?

Dragan Batalo: Dragan Batalo

Me: Occupation?

DB: Keyboardist.

Me: Thanks, but I already have one. In fact, it's Laza Ristovski and you aren't match for him.

DB: I am! I AM! I was in Golden Fingers and Black Pearls. Why won't you give me a chance?

Me: OK. How about I test your knowledge? When was World War II?

DB: In 1940s.

Me: Can you be more specific?

DB: Actually, it begun on September 1st 1939, with Germany invading Poland and ended on September 2nd 1945, when Japan signed the capitulation.

Me: Show off. How many civilians died in Yugoslavia, during WW II?

DB: More than half a million.

Me: Can you give me an exact number?

DB: 554.386.

Me: Humm... Commemorate them alphabetically and don't leave out a single name.

DB: ???

Me: Yeah... I don't think you came prepared for this job.

DB: Hey, speaking of singles. I brought you a song: "Plastic Fingers". It was the B. Side on ZLATNI PRSTI's second 7". I had a great solo on that song.

Me: A "solo"!? Let me get this straight. It's not your "solo release", it's just a "solo" you were messing around with, without actually writing the song either, right?

DB: Well no, that is correct, yes but...

Me: OK. How about this? You play me that solo and if I don't like it, it's Knockout time for you.


Prospect #4
Me: Name?

Josip Bocek: JOSIP BOČEK

Me: Occupation?

JB: Guitarist.

Me: Experience?

JB: Dinamiti, Kornelyans

Me: References?

JB: Dado Topić, Ðorđe Balašević, Zdravko Čolic.

Me: I don't think people at CRB know who they are so, let's move on. You have a song for me?

JB: Yeah, it's called: "Dinamit".

Me: Whow, whow. Hold on a second. I already had one fucker today trying to undermine the auditions, by bringing a whole band to his rescue. Are you pulling the same trick? Haven't you been in a band called, Dinamiti?

JB: No, no, Sir. This is nothing like that. Yes, I was in the band Dinamiti, but this song is called: "Dynamite" from my first, last and only solo release. A 7" single to be precise, just like you asked. I never recorded anything else on my own. I'm more of a team player... And if that's a crime, then... Blow me up!

Me: HOOOOKEY then. Let's hear it. And it better have a big fucking EXPLOSION at the end... You hear me?


Prospect #5
Me: Name?

Goran Ivandić: IPE IVANDIC

Me: Occupation?

GI: Drummer.

Me: Aren't you dead?

GI: Since 1994... But my legacy...

Me: Yeah, Yeah. I heard it from Laza Ristovski. Are you guys in collusion?

GI: Busted. Ever since we left Bijelo Dugme, together. We also released a collaborative LP in 1978 titled "We Are Coming".

Me: Hmm? And now... "You're Gone". I bet you brought, that famous 7" single recorded with Bijelo Dugme at the RCA Studios in New York, to show me what you got.

GI: You betcha. And without any further ado, I present to you: "Jumbo".


AFTERNOON SESSIONS

Prospect #1
Me: Name?

Michael Henry: NICKO McBRAIN

Me: You again?

MH: I heard you're morphing this project into a Ghost band. I want reassurances, that you won't discriminate against us... You know, the living ones.

Me: Morphing? Ghost band? Who the fuck put you up to this shit? Was it Dragan Batalo? Huh!? Was he the one? Drop the act, if you know what's good for you. He won't cut it and neither will you, if you follow his shenanigans.

MH: Sorry Boss. I didn't mean to offend you. Hey, since I'm here, would you like to hear the Side B. of my solo single. It's called: "Beehive Boogie" and features Dave Murray on guitars from... Wait for it... IRON MAIDEN!

Me: No. It doesn't matter how many times you try, I don't know who they are. I have a feeling you think I should, but I don't. Maybe they can X Factor The Number Of The Beast in a Brave New World Somewhere In Time, but right here, they are nobody. Give it up!

MH: OK, Boss. Up The Irons!

Me: Up yours too!


Prospect #2
Me: Name?

Goran Ivandić: IPE IVANDIC

Me: WTF? You came back? Is this turning into a resurrection session, or what? Perhaps I should start charging you guys?

GI: I never left.

Me: Oh. So, you heard everything that, Nicko from... "Nylon Laidem" said?

GI: Yep. I wonder what he meant by: "Up The Irons"?

Me: No idea, but if I have to guess, he wants to stick something up my ass. Although, I could be wrong. He wasn't very pleased, with the ways I'm running things around here so, who knows? Don't worry about him. How can I help, YOU?

GI: Would you like to listen to my other song from that famous 7" solo single, called: "Fire"?

Me: That I do.


Prospect #3
Me: Name?

Lazar Ristovski: LAZA RISTOVSKI

Me: What a heck is going on here? Are you two inseparable or just keeping each other company, in afterlife?

LR: Something like that. Does that bother you?

Me: No. Nothing bothers me. I'm cool like a cucumber. What's up?

LR: Ha! Clever. You wanted to trick me, into revealing whether there is Heaven & Hell? Sorry, I signed an NDA. My lips are sealed. Nice try, though. What I want is to present to you the B. Side of my 7" single, which is called: "Angelica", just to shut up that Batalo guy, once and for all. And no, the song "Angelica" does not confirm, nor denies the existence of "Angels".

Me: Right. ~wink~wink~ Be my guest.


Prospect #4
Me: Name?

Radomir Mihailović: R.M. TOČAK, which is Serbian for Jimi Hendrix.

Me: Oh, Brother, it's one of those guys. No shortage of egos here, eh?

RMT: I'm no Igor! I'm Tocak. I'm Smak. I'm Serbian Jimi Hendrix. You like Jimi Hendrix?

Me: No, of course I do.

RMT: So... Which one is it? You do like Jimi Hendrix or no, you do not like Jimi Hendrix? Don't confuse me!

Me: Umm... Never heard of him. Anyway, I guess you want to be a singer, eh?

RMT: No jokes! I'm Guitar Man. Jimi Hendrix... Guitar! HELLO!? Anybody home?

Me: Yeah, sure. You brought 3 References?

RMT: Me no need references. I'm Tocak. I'm Serbian Jimi Hendrix. I'm Smak. I do not play with others.

ME: Gee, I feel honored you chose me to break your routine. So, what's your experience?

RMT: Glad you ask, I know this one! JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE.

Me: Ughh... Nevermind. You have a song for me?

RMT: No song for you. I'm no gay. But I have song I want to give it you. Called: "March On The Drina".

Me: Well... Thanks, but no thanks. Go ahead. Make Jimi Hendrix proud. And... No guitar smashing on my set!


Prospect #5
Me: Name?

Zlatko Manojlović: Zed Mitchell.

Me: Zlatko? Is THAT you? ZLATKO MANOJLOVIC?

ZM: The one and only.

Me: WOW! What brings you here? Don't get me wrong. I'm glad you're auditioning for my band, but aren't your guitars more suited for Gordi?

ZM: I like to mix it up.

Me: Absolutely. I hate to do this... Especially to you Zlatko, but we have a protocol I must follow, so... Do you have References?

ZM: Of course, Tony Jasper and Derek Oliver. Both respected journalists.

Me: Sorry man. I need one more. No exceptions. Can't open that can. You must have three!

ZM: Hmm? Let me think... How about... How about... I call upon my #1 fan... Scott Gabbert.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You're killing me! OK. Well played, Sir. What you got?

ZM: Oh... Not much... Just the MOST recognizable YU-Rock Instrumental EVER: "To One Woman", released on my double 7" solo single.

Me: Hey, even I know this song!


EVENING SESSIONS

Prospect #1
Me: Name?

Ian Donald Calvin Euclid Zappa: DWEEZIL ZAPPA

Me: Hmm? Aren't you like... Forbidden to use that name?

IDCEZ: It's mine. It was given to me at birth. No matter what my Father's trustee sayz.

Me: By trustee, you mean your brother, Ahmet, right?

IDCEZ: Don't speak his name in my presence, ever. Besides, it's your lucky day. I need to raise money to stop his silly Cease and Desist injunction. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here!

Me: Wriiight. OK. Don't sugar coat it. I guess bad press is better, than no press, eh? So, what position are you applying for?

IDCEZ: Both, Guitarist and Singer. And I brought you my first single "My Mother Is a Space Cadet" and "Crunchy Water", as a proof. Fair warning though, I was 12 at the time these recordings took place, but I got Eddie Van Halen to produce it, and play a solo for me.

Me: Hmm? You were 12 back then? Since that time, your voice could've changed from a spoiled rich brat to a spoiled Baritone or worse yet, to a high-pitch Soprano. Do I really want to take those chances? But hey, if you can get Eddie to play me a solo... Like a really good solo... And I mean a Really... REALLY GOOD solo... Something that would piss off Alex, as much as Ahmet is pissing you off, right now... Then, I might reconsider your services.

IDCEZ: No Eddie Van Halen, and No Deal for you, either. You get what you sow. Take it or leave it.

Me: OK. How about this? Can I have your sister, Moon Zappa singing in my band, instead?

Me: Hey! Where you going? Are you mad? Was something I said? Oh, well. Let's hear those songs, anyway. If for nothing else, then for Moon Zappa.


Prospect #2
Me: Name?

Zlatko Manojlović: Zed Mitchell.

Me: Oh, hey! Long time no see! What brings you back?

ZM: Ahh... This might sound strange, but I'd like to throw my name in a hat for singers, too.

Me: Really? I hate to knock on you buddy, but I don't think Scott would appreciate that. If he can't understand a word coming out of your mouth, he'll say things like... The songwriting was bad... The production is weak, and I can't have that.

ZM: Well, who gives a fuck what he says?

Me: I hear you man, but it's not just him. Jon ain't receptive as of late, either. And don't get me stated on the others. Not commenting on my posts, speak volumes to me. I'll be honest with you, pissing against the wind, that waves the mighty American flag is something, I can't afford. One has to think about profitability and singing gibberish is not a sound financial decision. I hope you understand that. It's nothing personal.

ZM: But wait! Hear me out. I brought you the LAND (my pre-Gordi's) 7" single, where I sing in English.

Me: That's terrific! Why didn't you say so? Hey, would you consider becoming an American citizen, too?

ZM: Don't push it! I'll give you "Shoshana" and "Please Don't Say Nothing" and let's leave it at that. OK?

Me: Works for me.


Prospect #3
Me: Name?

Želimir Bebek: Željko Bebek

Me: Oh, I know who you are and before we go any further, my answer is NO! I just spent half an hour explaining to Zlatko, singing in any other language, than English is a nogo for me.

ŽB: Why are you assuming the worst? Who says I'm not singing in English?

Me: Look, I know you were in White Button and BIJELO DUGME does not sing in English. I think there was this one song, where they dribbled in Albanian, but never in English, as far as I know.

ŽB: Well, we did print a limited number of singles around the time of our 5th studio release, with a song "Playing The Part" (recorded in London circa 1975), as an A. Side, which were only given out to journalists. So technically, you're both wrong and right, at the same time.

Me: Hmm? Never heard of that song. Did you write the lyrics?

ŽB: No. D. Townsend, did.

Me: In 1975? I don't think lyrics written by a 3 year old will carry a lot of weight around here. Prodigy or not.

ŽB: What?

Me: What?

ŽB: What!?

Me: Nevermind. Let's hear it.


Now that you heard all the candidates, help me put the band together.
Please fill in the blanks.

DRUMMIST: __________

GUITARIST: __________

KEYBOARDIST: __________

VOCALIST: __________

Name of the Band: __________

Idea for a hit song title: __________

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